For the past two weeks, our supporters have been watching the Elite 8, then the Final Four. Now, at long last, a champion has been crowned! Nope, we’re not talking about college basketball. We’re talking about White Coat Waste Project’s inaugural WASTE MADNESS tournament!
Each week, taxpayers across America have voted on which experiments are the most wasteful and most ludicrous (mis)uses of their tax dollars.
With so many wasteful experiments to choose from, narrowing the field to 8 contenders was very difficult. Nevertheless, after an agonizing selection process, here were our initial 8 contenders:
|$6.76 million to make mice depressed, dose them with psilocybin, decapitate them — and conclude the experiment by saying white coats “cannot measure mouse moods.”|
|Would you waste $4.5 million to discover what it might sound like if a macaque proposed? No? Too bad; the NIH already wasted your money.|
|Half a million dollars wasted watching chimpanzees look at themselves in mirrors…sounds SUPER crucial. Except not at all.|
|$1.7 million ‘gobble gobble’ gobbled up by the NIH and NSF, studying how fast turkeys walk, and whether wild or domestic turkeys walk faster.|
|$1.1 million to make a vaping ‘hot box’ for rats…after wasting $16 million addicting them to smack, nicotine, and THC.|
|If it can move, it’s going on a treadmill, and you’ll pay for it — that’s what government white coats believe, and why the NSF wasted $1.5 million of your money-making mudskipper fish ‘run’ on treadmills.|
|$3 million of your money was, ahem, “hard” at work studying an ‘herbal male contraceptive’ in monkeys…and filming them getting busy.|
|$9.9 million — part of which was wasted putting white coats in leopard costumes, so they could scare monkeys…19 separate times.|
Before we announce the winner, we’d like to give a shout-out to the LOSERS: government white coats who approved these ridiculous experiments, the experimenters themselves, and the animals who were harmed or killed in the name of “science.”
Of course, the biggest loser in this entire racket is US taxpayers, who are still forced to pay over $20 billion/year for animal experiments, despite the fact that a majority of Americans, regardless of political affiliation, oppose them.
Without further ado, the winner of our inaugural WASTE MADNESS tournament is…
A 2018 study received four different grants, totaling $1.7 million, from two government agencies, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the National Science Foundation (NSF), and set out to answer THE BIG QUESTIONS: specifically, how fast do turkeys walk? Do domestic turkeys walk faster than wild turkeys?
Maybe they should have asked: does anyone care?
What makes this even more hilarious is that this wasn’t the government’s first taxpayer-funded turkey trot. These questions have been studied for almost a decade!
(Just so we don’t leave you in suspense: turkeys run at 6 miles per hour; domestic turkeys are fatter than wild turkeys, so they run slower).
If you missed out on the voting, we’re sorry, but next year’s WASTE MADNESS will be here before you know it.
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